What has happened to CNN?
I used to count on them like I count on my smart fridge to tell me when my oat milk is expired. CNN was my intellectual babysitter. They spoon-fed me opinions, tucked me in with breaking news, and whispered sweet narratives into my ear until I fell asleep clutching my remote.
But now? Their viewership has plummeted more than my crypto portfolio after I took advice from a guy named “LaserEyes420” on Reddit. Over 50% gone. That’s not a dip—that’s a nosedive into the Mariana Trench of irrelevance.
And the layoffs? Dozens of people. Probably the ones who used to write the headlines that made me feel morally superior while eating microwave nachos. Who’s going to tell me what to think now? Am I supposed to form my own opinions? That sounds suspiciously like work, and we all know how we feel about that.
I tried switching to other networks. Fox made me want to buy a bunker and learn how to churn butter. MSNBC made me feel like I should apologize for existing. I even gave NPR a shot, but their soothing voices lulled me into a coma before I could figure out what side I was supposed to be on.
I considered reading actual news articles, but they have paragraphs. And nuance. I don’t have time for that—I’m busy doomscrolling and pretending to understand macroeconomics.
So here I am. Lost. Untethered. Floating in a sea of conflicting viewpoints and long-form journalism, like a ship without a compass in a storm. CNN, come back. Please tell me which tweet should ruin my day, and which celebrity scandal is secretly a metaphor for democracy.